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I failed

I sat there, holding my baby, blood all over my chest, bawling, shaking and short of breath. I failed. I failed to protect my baby, I failed to keep his precious little face unharmed. I know it wasn’t my fault, I know I could not have prevented it, but man does that feeling suck.

The worst part? I was RIGHT there. James wanted me to print some coloring in pictures and color in with him. We sat by the table, Jaxson motoring around on the floor. Some people call them freak accidents, I call it pure hell. Jaxson tried to stand up as he usually does but somehow, his hand slipped and he fell. Not on the floor as usual, but on a cheap plastic block that broke in pieces as his mouth hit it.

I was angry at that stupid block and I was angry at myself. I don’t even know how the block ended up there as it’s not something he ever plays with. Anyway, the block cut his lip quite deep and a few other spots under his nose. There’s also a minor cut inside the roof of his mouth. I felt like shit. Everything was a blur, all I saw was blood.

I don’t think I could ever describe the feelings that came over me at that moment. My heart was shattered and I could not stop crying. I still cry when I think back to his little face with all that blood and his heart sore cry. He was flailing his arms and legs in so much pain and I will never forget it. I gave Panado literally straight away and he calmed down within 2 minutes but man, those 2 minutes felt like hours.

I was home alone with Jaxson and James when this happened and poor James just kept running after me asking if he could help. (He did moan a little that I was getting blood on his blanket…) Anyway, after this whole commotion, I felt so emotionally drained. Those feelings of failure washed over me and I have extreme guilt that I cannot seem to shake off.

People always tell you how amazing it is to be a mom and “you will LOVE it!!”. They don’t warn you about these moments. These moments where you feel like a piece of shit. These moments where you feel so helpless because you entering the third week of your toddler being sick and he is just getting worse. Why can’t I keep these little humans healthy and happy? I hate feeling like this. I hate seeing them like this.  I guess all we can do is try. Today I failed but tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow I will be better. Tomorrow is another day and life does go on.  I am pretty sure Jaxson would have forgotten all about his cut lip while I still shed a tear every time I look at him.

Heartbroken mama,

Chenel xox

10 thoughts on “I failed.”

  1. Ai mamma….

    Daai eina en skuld gevoel is ewe erg. Mens voel vir dae skuldig. Maar troos jou, jy is ‘n goeie mamma. Al voel dit nie nou so nie!

  2. I know exactly how you are feeling. My little man broke his arm 2 months ago, on his 2nd birthday! My poor baby was in such pain and I couldnt take it away! We spent the weekend in hospital as he had surgery and pins placed in his arm. 2 months later and it still haunts me! I now have to prepare myself for next week… the pins have to come out! Thank you for your blogs😙

  3. Ah mama, your feelings are so honest and so real – and exactly how we all feel when something like this happens!
    A few years ago, I was getting out of a taxi at the airport with our 9 month old poppet in my arms, I tripped over my dress and dropped her on her head, on the pavement and she fell under the car! One of the worst days of my life… But she is totally fine and my mama heart slowly stitched itself back together.
    Sending you the biggest hugs and squeezes – you are an unbelievable mama x

  4. Jy is ‘n amazing mamma al voel dit dalk nie op die oomblik so nie! My oudste het 3 weke terug steke gekry omdat hy na my toe wou hardloop toe ek uit kar klim en hy in die deur vas gehardloop het en ‘n week daarna het my jonkste sy oog oop geval! Dis aaklig as sulke goed gebeur en mens blameer jouself maar glo my daai liefste lyfie blameer jou nie! Hy is nog net so lief vir jou soos altyd!! ❤️❤️ Strongs!!!

  5. I know how you feel. I am still haunted by Monday when my 8 year old daughter tripped and fell on her front teeth. I was ahead of her trying to get her little sister out of the rain. I keep thinking that we should have just got wet and I should have slowed down for her. The guilt is driving me crazy.

  6. When our babies get hurt, especially on our watch it’s the worst! My baby girl (same age as Jaxon) fell our of my bed last week! Face first flat on the ground! I felt so miserable as it was 02:00 in the morning. I was breastfeeding on the edge of the bes because I was agitated as she woke and want to drink again and didn’t think we would fall asleep as she was quite awake! But we did and she just turned around and fell flat on her face! I still feel guilty and terrible!

  7. Hang in there mom its tough when our babies hurt them self but you didn’t fail, you hugged kissed and made his pain go away and that’s what we all about xxx

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