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Just because I look okay, does not mean I am.

I have said this plenty of times: Momming is hard. I am a firm believer in promoting positivity instead of blasting your problems to the world. I do get real, I do get honest but then I feel I am accused of complaining about my kids and that I am not allowed to because so many women struggle to conceive – Yup. That’s my life in the online world. (And again, I am not complaining.)

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I walk around and people constantly ask me how the hell I do it. How do I run a blog, a photography career, juggling so many clients and brands and parent those two gorgeous little boys? To be honest guys, I have a great support system which I know many moms do not have. Even with that, I take it minute by minute. This is not the point of my post though.

Just because I smile, I wear makeup, I get dressed and I get stuff done, does not mean I am not tired beyond belief and so incredibly frustrated I could scream. If you can have a peek into the inside of my soul, you would probably see me in a different light. I am full of stress, anxiety and most days on the brink of tears. I have been so incredibly tired since 2015 and no amount of sleep will fix that. I wake up a million times a night because surprise surprise, MY KIDS DON’T SLEEP THROUGH. But you know? I am okay with that. So don’t give me advice on sleep training, you are wasting your time.

My soul is tired, my heart is tired and my brain completely fried. Jaxson has these crying episodes before bed that probably scare the neighbors. If you don’t have a kid that cries like that, you have NO idea how it sucks your soul. How your mood has completely gone from decent to “wtf” and then just numb.

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Numb, ah yes numb. A feeling so familiar. It’s probably the best way to describe myself when I have been pushed too far. I go a little insane (okay, a lot insane) and then just numb. You hear the kids screaming and throwing tantrums, you see the husband running around (or doing nothing if he is a jerk – luckily mine isn’t) and you have this outer body experience where everything is just out of whack around you, but you are just staring into space, feeling, well, numb. Food is burning, kids are crying and you? Probably holding your tears back if you are anything like me.

BUT

I don’t ever have my shit together but I get up each morning and I TRY. I don’t just sit and complain about how I feel and expect a pity party to come. I live my day, I do the best that I can and I realize that that is enough. I don’t need to be a freaking superwoman – it’s not normal. If your babies are fed and healthy, YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH! These little humans whose lives depend on you, they are hard work! But man oh man, they are so worth it.

I will probably always feel overwhelmed and I will probably never know what it feels like to be well rested and that’s okay. I chose this life. I wanted to be a mom. And regardless of all the bad, I am having a damn good time raising these two rowdy boys and would never have it any other way.

6 thoughts on “Just because I look okay, does not mean I am.”

  1. Wow, this resonated with me so much! Just goes to show that we all share the same struggles and that we are not alone. It doesn’t change one’s situation in any way, but it’s comforting to know that it’s quite ‘normal’. A phrase that usually keeps me going is: “This too shall pass!”. And it does, only to be preceded by something else… another phase, another milestone and so on, but that too shall pass!

    A big whoop to all the tired, trying-to-keep-it-all-together, coffee drinking, hard working Mommies out doing the best they can!

  2. Such a real post and so appreciated. I am a mom of a 21 month old son and am currently in my 3rd trimester with another little boy and I feel your frustration, anxiety, pain and helplessness, but I agree with you there is nothing more rewarding or worth every little sacrifice. Every mom is incredible there is not one who is better than the next and nobody can pass judgement unless they have experienced true motherhood in all its glory.

    1. The struggle is real.. Good struggle 😊 I have a 6year old and 3 week old little girl. Can’t remember when last I had a good night sleep as I didn’t have the easiest pregnancy. The worst thing for me is not the tiredness or sleeplessness, but the fact that I don’t know how to , or should I say struggle to give my 6 year old the attention that she needs. Does that make me a bad mommy 😢

  3. Amen mama, and I don’t think you will ever know how your posts like this help so many others around the world. TRYING is always the key word x

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