I know you. I know the hurt. I know the pain. I know the sadness. I was there. This time of year, I’m reminiscing on our infertility journey. I go back to my “trying to conceive” Instagram account. I go through all my posts i posted while trying. I relive the moments, the sadness, the hope, the “no-hope”, the anxiety, the hate and the constant frustration.
I go through the moments leading up to my BFP (big fat positive). I read again about my confusion why my period was taking so long. I read again about how my cycle was weird that month. I read again about how i took a test and it was yet again another effing negative.
But then i read the posts that had a little hope. Where i took OPK’s (ovulation tests) and they kept coming back blazing positive. My first thought was that I just ovulated really late. I read the comments on my photos, my TTC-sisters cheering me on and telling me they know I’m pregnant. The comments saying “Take a damn pregnancy test!”. I was scared. Scared, excited, emotional, afraid. Afraid of more dissapointment, but yet i was hopeful. I don’t know what i would have done if it wasn’t for my TTC-sisters on Instagram.
Well you all know the rest of the story. About me getting a blazing positive preg test and jumping with all my clothes in the shower to tell the hubster? I’ll never forget it. But I am writing this not to tell my story again, but to write to you all still on your journey and letting you know that I am thinking about you all every day.
This is for YOU. This is my letter to YOU.
You might feel that your body is failing you, but remember you are still a person. A wonderful person. You are beautiful and you are enough.
Don’t give up. I can not stress this enough. One way or another, you are destined to be a mom. Your journey is YOURS and it;s unique. I know you are hurt, I know you spend some days crying, not knowing why this has to happen to you, to your marriage. I know life seems so effing unfair.
This journey is moulding you. Making you more patient, making you more grateful and making you wiser. It’s teaching you lessons about life you never would have learned any other way. It teaches you strength and teaches you how to find your strength when you think you have none.
I know social media does not make any of this any easier. Everything is put online lately for everyone to see. Pregnancy announcements left and right, baby photos almost daily, I know. I unfollowed many pregnant women while i was on my journey. You can too. Whatever helps, even if it helps a little bit. Don’t go to that babyshower if you feel to fragile, it is okay, and let no one tell you otherwise.
I know you think no one understands you. Find the ones that do. Find the women on the same journey you are and connect with them. It will keep you sane on days you feel you might just lose it. Infertility feels like you are broken, and you need to do all you can to not fall to pieces. Infertility does not have to feel lonely, there is so many more women just like you.
This is a time for you and your husband to become closer. To grow. He is hurting too. He does not know how to deal with it as you do, he does not even have the right words to say sometimes. But know this, as terrible and awful as you are feeling, he feels that deeply too. Inside he pleads for your happiness, pleads for answers to your questions, pleads to relieve your pain. He is grieving too, grieve together.
Husbands, love your wives even more now. Tell her how much you love her. Pray for her. Pray with her. Just listen to her when she rambles. Listen to her feelings and console her. Offer her plenty hugs and just be an ear when she needs to let off steam. But, also give her the grace and freedom to grieve how SHE wants to. Let her be angry, let her be mad. Be her calm. Reassure her that everything is going to be okay.
Remember that you are a strong person. Stronger than most because of what you are going through. I just want you to know that. You are enough.